Politics, Religion, and Harry Potter
by Shadowfax
Summary: Wedge and Janson prep their team for a mission, but can anything prepare them for Earth and pop culture? Short and funny.


10-03-15, Reformatted.

* * *

_Not mine, not mine, sang the little bird... Just some fun; don't take it too seriously. Actually, I don't really know any HP fans as rabid as the ones I've depicted. Of course, those aren't circles I usually travel, but that's really nothing to do with this story..._

**"Politics, Religion, and Harry Potter" **  
-

General Wedge Antilles stood, a silent monolith amidst the hustling chaos of the hanger bay. Raw recruits scurried around checking and double checking that everything was in order. Even the veteran warriors seemed to be affected by the excitement in the air; they fidgeted with the unfamiliar clothing they wore. Major Wes Janson marched in a dignified manner toward the General, the crowd parting before him like waves before a Calamari skipper.

Wedge raised an eyebrow at his longtime companion. "Are we ready?"

"As we'll ever be." Janson sighed.

"Wes?"

"Yes?"

"Just trying to make sure that's you and not Hobbie in disguise. I don't think I've ever seen you so..."

"Grave? Serious?"

"...depressed. Something wrong?"

"No, nothing." Wedge folded his arms, and Janson sighed. "Okay, okay! It's just that I've been trying for the past twenty years to get out of having to do this mission and here we are. It was all for naught!"

"Wes."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

He snapped a salute, trademark glint back in his eye. "Yes sir."

As Janson went off to see to the final preparations for the mission, Wedge took the comm from the attendant next to the platform he was to stand on and prepared to give his pre-mission pep talk.

"All right everybody listen up and listen good. This is going to be unlike any mission you've ever been on before. If you have any questions pertaining to insertion missions in general, please direct them to any member of Wraith Squadron." If he'd had things his way, Wraith Squadron would be the only squadron on this mission. They had proved themselves time and again to be excellent operatives. But man-power was needed here, not expertise. "Listen to them when they give you orders. I don't want any heroics on this mission people! Let's all come back alive." He turned to the holodisplay and brought up a view of their destination.

"This is a planet located in the distant system of Solar. The inhabitants call it Earth. The main language of the planet is a relatively easily understood dialect of Basic. We will be landing in the country United States of America, in a region called New England. Our objective: retrieve a renegade operative and the technology he stole from a New Republic member world. You will deploy in a circle, forming a net around the area where we've spotted the agent and then closing in until we have him. You will try to blend in with the natives. Do not, I repeat do not, tell them anything about yourselves or your mission. If anyone asks you are a tourist from California.

"There are certain... taboo subjects among the natives of this planet. Major Janson will give you an outline of how to respond if these sensitive subjects are brought up."

Wedge relinquished the podium to Janson who took it with a flourish. "First thing first. Politics. Never tell anyone on Earth your political affiliation. Never. Unless you want to start a riot.

"Next? Religion is worse. Never ever criticize any native's religious beliefs. Not only will this start a riot, but it will start a genocidal war which will last for twelve generations.

And last but not least." He gestured to the holodisplay which now exhibited a movie poster. "This is the recent blockbuster- that means big movie, folks- _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Earth consists of two kinds of people. Those who stood in lines too long to comprehend to see it the first day it came out, and those who sat around making lists of people who went to see it so that they could send them hate mail or kill them. If asked, even in the most innocent of contexts, if you are familiar with this movie and its cult following do not, I repeat- DO NOT, attempt to respond in either of the following ways. No-no number one."

Wes gestured to the holodisplay as it brought up a clip of a man answering a question a seemingly innocent passerby had asked him. "No, I don't like all that sci-fi fantasy stuff. It's not good for the kids. They need to learn about what's real in the world and what isn't," the man said. "Besides, witchcraft is evil." The person he was speaking to suddenly freaked out, grabbed a large stick and began beating the speaker screaming phrases like "Die unbeliever!"

The nervous audience watched this display with growing apprehension. Wraith Squadron looked grim. "No-no number two," continued Janson.

The next clip showed another man answering the same question. "Ohmigosh!" he squealed like a teeny-bopper. "I *love* that movie. This one part where..." The man kept talking at an amazing fast rate for almost seven minutes while the listener grew a continuously darker shade of red. Suddenly the listener snapped, and, grabbing the same stick used before, began to beat the speaker unconscious screaming this time about Satanic forces.

"Now," Wes continued oblivious to his sickly looking audience, "as you see, either response to the direct question is dangerous. You never know who could be listening to you. The best thing to do is deflect. Here is a list of possibly deflection techniques. One, pretend to sight a person named Elvis. Two, ask if they know who shot JR. Three, query as to the direction of the nearest ice cream parlor. Four, mention that a certain cloud in the sky or shape on a wall reminds you of the profile of the current President. By the way, his name is apparently 'Dubya.' Five, ask them how far it is to Uganda. This will lead them to believe you are certifiably insane, and they will bother you no longer. And finally- six, invoke one of the other unmentionable in order to remove yourself from this sticky situation. Remember, secrecy is good, but survival is paramount. It's a dangerous world out there folks. Let's try and leave it in one piece." He looked around and nodded to Wedge.

"All right people," General Antilles glanced around the room. "Let's suit up and move out."

The soldiers saluted him and turned to enter their ships. Wedge looked at Wes. "Well here we go."

Wes grinned. "C'mon. It'll be fun."

"Oh no."

"What?"

"I just had a vision of you provoking riots in the middle of major cities..."

"Oh Wedge, you worry too much. Have I ever done anything that stupid before? Wedge? Wedge, why aren't you answering me? Wedge?"

--


End file.
